Phil's comment on pain made me think about my journey to current lifestyle. I've written some stuff on my history and experiences on website (see profile for link). I have had fantasies about spanking since childhood and consider them central to my sexuality.

When I decided I wanted to explore further I didn't actually know how I'd cope with experience or whether I really wanted reality. Fantasy, after all is often thought to be more perfect reality. And like many, I'm a wimp about pain, but the fantasy was powerful...

I saw an awful Channel 5 thing on sexual fantasy where several people bragged about their fantasies and said they were better than reality. There was a chap into BDSM and he'd been to a club and got to act out stuff. We didn't get to hear much and we were given impression that his 'living the fantasy' was somehow pathetic, compared to those who fantasised - Almost as though he was a victim. Well, I've met people who go to clubs and parties and none of them strike me as deluded or unhappy.

As said before I'm fortunate that my partner and I have 'matching' fantasies and we've experimented and learnt together. I've no experience of 'quid pro quo' so never been a case of if I spank you bum will you pretend to be Leila or whatever. It does hurt and if it didn't it wouldn't work for either of us, but the pain is limited and rewarded by the rush and excitement and the intimacy.

No idea why we have our 'kink', but not really bothered about that anymore. Like the perfect cup of tea, the sun on my back, chocolate, fabulous scenery, or the sea it simply works for me. And the pain is part of the pleasure.

I once read that spankers, doms, tops and similar were more empathic because they took responsibility for spankee, sub, bottom. They have to look after things and be tuned in and take care, while all their opposite number does is give him or herself up to the sensations being delivered.

Well, it's an interesting thought, but I'm not convinced. I admit that being on the receiving end does limit one's horizons at the time, but the idea that one does not also think about the other person's perspective isn't necessarily so.

Knowing that what delivering a spanking does for him (in my case) so marvellously complements what being spanked does for me is mindblowing and becomes more of a gestalt experience where the combination feels more than the sum of the parts. I do imagine what it's like for him and that is part of the buzz.

I would feel very odd if the person delivering wasn't getting something as powerful from the experience as I was. Of course with our unique personal mix of fantasies, sexuality and/or emotional or sensory need/desire there will be a 'barter' in many relationships whenever and however spanker and spankee come together. This means it is likely that one delivers or receives from love or other motivation rather than a matched desire. And of course there is a buzz in that as well. But that can come from either 'end' as it were. And like sex, kindness and friendship, spanking can be a gift from the receiver or giver.