Just had a look at my website (See URL on Profile if interested...)and realised I've had over 17,000 hits. I started a blog there, but a lot less fun than the interactivity of this one. I'd written how excited I was at getting 800 visits and now over 17,000.

I've loved blogging since I started here and enjoy watching the number of hits slowly creep up. I'm thrilled to be read and love it when people comment. I also have great fun reading others' stuff and making the odd comment.

I've just received birthday wishes from one of my oldest and loveliest friends (Jonathan) who was reminded about my birthday through reading my blog. Jonathan sussed me out by recognising enough of my style in something I wrote as Suzee and 'helped' me come out to some other friends...

Well, I had my birthday without my Cariad, but did get presents that showed how well he knew me, so I still had a lovely day as he was here in spirit if not in body... I had an indulgent and pleasant day and went out for a civilised meal with a friend as befits a respectable pair of fifty-one-year-olds...

...and I'm still not talking about spanking...(but just say the word and I will:D)

Another day to myself and another day without him...

This time there is no winter sun and Cardiff is dull. I am having a quiet day after busy-ness, travel and work and today I can appreciate the quietness of my day. I stayed in bed late and have had a relaxed day of reading a novel (Sara Paretsky)and pottering. I have also got a report written for work that has been hanging over me.

Tomorrow I will be fifty-one so I 'celebrated' my final day as a fifty-year-old by dying my hair!

Today's little pleasures/blessing countings included:
:D Bacon, egg, potato waffles and a perfect mug of tea
:D The warmth of my house
:D Getting my report done
:D Arranging a meal with a friend
:D Discovering I have enough living flowers from Valentine's Day to rearrange and greet me in the hall when I pass
:D Finding and enjoying one of my supply of my current favourite chocolate bars - Cadbury's Caramel
:D Discovering some new blogs I liked
:D The feel of the shower at the perfect temperature, angle and strength
:D The arrival of early birthday cards
:D The rest of the evening being mine and choosing how to spend it
:D Sending him an email
:D Licking the shells of salted pistachios (Well, I have admitted I'm kinky!)
:D seeing the things around my house that remind me of him
:D Feeling positive and remembering how much my life suits me
:D Missing him but knowing I'll see him soon

I have counted my blessings and imaginary cats are safe from a metaphorical kicking for another day...

I was just reviewing my book choice in my Bloglist - just out of curiosity - Anyone read Astra and Flondrix? or even heard of it? A sexed up tale of elfs, dwarves,'lewd transgressions' princesses, magic and erections...Tolkein it isn't!

...and I'm not talking about spanking...

Today I have a whole Saturday to myself to do as I choose. It is reasonably sunny in Cardiff, my house is warm and cosy and the work on my house is progressing nicely. The level of contained chaos in my life is - containable. Days like this I'm aware of the absence of Peter, but take a delight in solitary pleasures - reading, radio, puzzles, 'pottering' a walk to the newsagent, catching up with friends, a decent meal, writing - the list of possibilities beguiling.

Today however, I feel my Cariad's absence more acutely, because our plans for the following week have been shattered and a long period of separation looms...I know life is good but sometimes the lack of another goes from a passive to active absence...

I shall count my blessings and metaphorically kick the imaginary cat!

My Cariad Peter has a chronic condition that causes pain and I was being sympathetic and commented truthfully that I'm crap at handling pain and it's true. Headache, backache, banged shin - and I'm miserable as hell, and yet I can take quite considerable pain in certain circumstances...

There are those into BDSM and spanking who are into all sorts of pain and affliction to various parts of the body. Fine for them, but not for me - For as long as I can remember I've fantasised about having my bottom spanked and that's about it. That said, I did wonder if I'd cope with idea and whether it should stay a mere fantasy because I'm so hopeless with pain and feel quite cowardly about it. I was amused when another spankee responded to my history and understood completely at my terror at thought of getting hit in reality.

At school the thought of the cane terrified me and I was thankful that it seemed the preserve of the boys (an early bit of sexism for which I was thankful. Boys usually got the cane on their hand but there was something exciting about the idea of bending over and receiving punishment “Whacko” style). Most teachers commonly administered a slap on the leg or bottom but I never received one, as I was a ‘good’ girl. I remember only fear at the thought of rousing a teacher to slap me.

Reality is that the pain of a spanking or caning along with the power exchange is the pleasure as well. It is wonderful on its own. It is wonderful among other erotic delights. Spanking can lead to sex. Sex can lead to spanking. Spanking is sex and sex is spanking. I don't understand, nor do I particularly care. It's fabulous and works for me (and him!)

South Wales has a wonderful set of slangwords that may or may not have some connection to the welsh language.

My favourite is 'cwch' (the 'w' pronounced as 'oo in 'hook' in Southern accent). Cwch is a noun and verb and is a cuddle, but somehow more. You can cwch, be cwched, cwch together or have a cwch.

The cwch is also a handy little hidey-hole, such as under the stairs. And when you want to send the dog to bed, you order: 'Go, cwch!'

Mitching is bunking off school.When mitching you go 'on the mitch'

Dwti (dootee[same w as in cwch]) means small and a dwt is something or someone small.

My Cariad Peter, like Dylan Thomas is 'tall for a Welshman' - a bit like the smallest giant in 'Popeye'! We joke that he's my 'Dwti Dom'.

Twti is to crouch down. I assume that it may connected to dwt as you make yourself small.

And the Welsh for a b*d translates as 'child of the hedgerows' - Much more poetic, but harder to shout at the ref!

And today I celebrated the anniversary of a Roman martyr with a cwch from my Dwti Dom.

Just noticed I have acquired lots of ads for lifecoaching on my blog - A change from the misery of reallife trauma and getting back my ex I suppose! I have written a lifecoach story, but don't know anyone who offers the service...

Becky knew she was in trouble. She knew that although she usually had all the answers she often didn’t manage to put them into place. She could see life coaching made sense. She knew from her counselling experience that just telling someone your intentions often made it easier to actually do something.
The idea of cyber–coaching was intriguing as well as practical. She knew she’d meet her coach face-to-face as necessary – Well, she thought uncomfortably, not exactly face-to-face as he was clear to point out his unusual methods… the contract was very clear. She would only agree to tasks they both decided were reasonable, achievable and in her best interests. He would encourage her and if she failed to keep her side of the contract she would be spanked.
Becky realised that finding a life-coach on the spanking site was unusual, but as she was an unpublished writer of the genre it wasn’t surprising she browsed there. She was open to admitting that she fantasised about spanking but she was definitely not looking for real-life experience; at least that’s what she told herself. She also told herself that as she was scrupulous about honouring contracts she would have an additional incentive to keep to her resolutions. She didn’t want to end up skirts raised and knickers down over a stranger’s lap did she? At least that’s another thing she told herself…
There were so many reasons she hadn’t kept up her carefully planned resolutions. Life was so complicated. She knew this was true but if she wasn’t too proud to have admitted this, she was confident that the Coach would have been reasonable and suggested rescheduling. But, no, Becky had struggled on determinedly and pig-headedly and the result was just more chaos. Deep down she knew she was probably testing boundaries to find out if the Coach was ‘a safe pair of hands’. She shivered as she thought about the plans those ‘safe hands’ now had for her. She realised her spanking was going to be more about attitude, trust and boundaries than incomplete tasks.
And so the very grown-up, independent Becky found herself stood on the Coach’s doorstep, shaking with dread, anticipation and no little sexual excitement. Of course Becky tried to deny the excitement; why that would almost mean admitting she had engineered this!...

....I know it's a perenial problem, but it is hard to know what to call one's significant other if unmarried, unengaged and not filling out a socialwork report! I think I tend to write 'other half' from paucity of choice.

I sometimes say partner, but it can sound like business relationship rather than a loving one and confuses people

Lover sounds rather dramatic and it does tend to be over-sexualised in everyday usage

I think I'm too old for a 'boyfriend'

'Manfriend' just sounds pretentious and unlike lover, isn't sexy enough!

'Better half' doesn't capture the equality we have despite the fact he's the one with the cane:P

'My bloke/fellah'is a bit naff in speech and just awful in writing.

Sweetheart, Darling, Beloved and such just sound too twee for third person usage.

Somehow the Welsh equivalent 'Cariad' is rather nice, so Peter is my other half or my cariad until further notice...

My American Spellchecker just 'allowed' "Nos da i ti" - Welsh for "Good night to you". I assumed I'd added to dictionary, but it's not there..
Can a Spellchecker play with your mind?!
Spooky...

ps Ads now wanting to help me with my bullying and suicidal problems! Weirdly enough I was talking in public on suicide and bullying this week...

Paranoid?! Me?! just because the ads and Spellchecker are ganging up on me...

Help!!!They want to 'help' me with my depression and anxiety now! I do have my own methods of unwinding...

...As said if you don't have a problem you don't need a cure.
I have however had dialogue with people who find themselves sad, lonely and confused or leading a secret life. And that's with those who've actually found a place in cyber to have such discussions. I had a lifetime of secrecy and know there are many out there who just don't 'get it'.
Life's not simple for all of us.
I am utterly delighted by the happy kinks out there - Same as I am about happy straights, gays, swingers, celibates, and any other group. What is sad is those who are not happy with what they are for whatever reason....

Timsuzi's and my dialogue got me thinking. Like many I would have willingly been 'cured'. I tried regulating my fantasies and was totally confused by them. I have since accepted that they are as much a part of my sexuality as my heterosexuality, and as much part of me as my choice of friends, food, writing, career path or anything else that makes me 'me'.

Would I have taken a cure? Yes. Once. Because I rejected a bit of me that I didn't understand and felt problematic. Now spanking is something I am able to share privately and joyfully with my other half I feel blessed to have 'dual sexuality' and fabulous options available to us. It is also something about which I write and want to promote understanding and thought.And with my erotic writing I want to...engage

Of course, if I was in a different situation it would be entirely different. A 'fetish' or similar alternative sensuality/sexuality is a huge problem for many people. I understand that.

My lover and I were discussing this today. It is a part of who he is and who I am. Whatever happens it is central to our natures. It's not a problem for us at the moment because it is an enhancement. We count our blessings.

I agree with the idea that we ought to be more open about our sexuality. I tend to hint and would guess that those people who may be like me will pick up on the comments. But why the shame. Does enjoying a spanked bum make me somehow less trustworthy and decent, someone whose judgement isn't of equal worth to someone who simply enjoys penises? I also wish I had been able to talk to a sane spanko years ago and it's great Suzee to read your postings which are obviously the work of an honest, intelligent, funny,decent human being.
p.s good luck with being the spanko JK Rowling

Thanks as ever to Timsuzi for support and kind words. I want to give full response so doing as blog entry. Interestingly I didn't actually mention shame, although Timsuzi assumes that is main emotion that was inhibiting me.

I guess in one way that discussing spanking feels a bit like discussing oral sex, buggery or the missionary position - a sexual preference that is private and doesn't particularly need discussing. On the other hand it is something that has now pervaded my life through the way I met my partner and through my writing.

I no longer feel shame, but have done so. But I think embarrassment has been more powerful. The whole liberal, feminist, not violence, equality ethos I hold dear has led to some confusion - I did actually understand internalised oppression! I've since thought about it,written about it, and moved on, but it takes getting used to.

It is important to me to separate what I see as my sexuality from other parts of my life, but also to own who and what I am. As a friend with similar interests said recently - It goes from being privacy to feeling like you're keeping secrets. There is far more to me than the fact I enjoy getting my bum smacked so I don't feel the need to tell everyone I meet about this quirk of mine. When you find yourself self-editng stuff in converstaion with friends however, it feels like unnecessary secrets.

I am lucky that my friends are nice people with liberal attitudes. That said, anything that smacks (no pun intended!) of inequality and possible violence is pretty challenging to bring up.

Today I visited a friend with whom I'd done Women's Studies and once again became aware that discussing my writing and my lover was difficult because of the gaps if I didn't 'come out.' She was of course, fine about it and it wasn't a problem. I don't feel an overwhelming need to tell her details, but it's nice not to have to censor tales of my writing and my lover.

I keep Suzee's writings separate for a degree of privacy, but I write here and on my website in a very honest way. This means that anyone who stumbles across my writing would easily be able to recognise me if they knew me from elsewhere. I am OK about that and trust people would have courtesy to react appropriately.

As said elsewhere, I do want to actually make people think about the whole fetish/sexuality thing and that is one of the reasons I write about it. I would have loved to have stumbled across a sane-sounding spanko years ago - it would have been very reassuring. I also love the idea that I can write things that I find erotic and they work for others too. And of course if I can make a fortune by writing about it, I will happily become the JKR of Spanking!

Suzi's comment(joke?!)about the ukelele got me thinking about spanking implements. Somethings are painful, but erotic because of their symbolism or history somehow - canes and belts are meltingly sexy despite/because of ferociousness.

What's more weird and hard to get one's head around is something absurd and painful.

I've commented elsewhere about how painful and ludicrous the flyswat is. I also bought a beautiful, real riding crop which is rather erotic and certainly effective, but less painful than a very silly looking leather hand on a pretend crop that was a quarter of the price. It's a bit weird getting the giggles about the instrument when it hurts like hell and you're seriously considering begging for mercy!