Thanks for tag, Timsuzi.
I won't tag anyone else 'cos I know some of us have mixed feelings about tagging....

Where to start...

1) I'm left handed

2) I was born at an address that translates as Sunny Hill in Butter Hill

3) I have walked the old Severn Bridge barefooted

4) I used to sell brushes etc door-to-door

5) I'm a maths o'level failure

6) I have a certificate for faking and simulation

7) I can't roll my tongue

Blighty asked:

Suzee, I know you have mentioned before about the significance of your childhood experiences. However, do you think there is any connection between the sex-deprivation and your intense desire for the secondary sexual relief of spanking? I mean, at what age did spanking become a primary part of your sex life?

I've not been especially deprived of sex, but had period when this happened in established relationship with an ex. Spanking isn't a secondary relief, and I don't see it as an alternative. I was fascinated by spanking as a child. I have fantasised about it since I had sexual fantasies and my late onset of experience is due to confusion, lack of courage and lack of opportunity only.
This is what I wrote in my autobiog piece:

I would imagine scenarios where handsome men meted out punishments to naughty girls or women. While these secret fantasies were thrilling I didn’t see them as sexual and I discovered my sexuality in a vanilla context. Actually progressing to intercourse through the tortuous stages of ‘courting’ were as much sexuality as I could handle. And yet in a separate little world the spanking thoughts were there.
As I became more sexually aware I realised sexual fantasy was part of the sexual experience. Once a boyfriend described how he’d spanked a girl who had been ‘harassing’ him. I got the tingle. I got drunk. I asked him to spank me. He wouldn’t. I tried to forget. After all I was drunk. I would not ask again. In retrospect he was a spiteful power abuser and bully.
Anyone heard the joke –
Masochist: Beat me!
Sadist: No!
At some point I decided there was more to this sex lark than what I got with my boyfriend and I knew women could enjoy themselves alone so I decided to experiment. No prizes for guessing my thoughts as I discovered the delights of solo masturbation. My youthful fantasies came flooding back with some wonderful additions. I now knew about sex; being spanked by any man was thrilling but being spanked by a lover or a man who would become my lover was the ultimate turn-on.
As I got older I became aware that my tastes were not so unusual and I found better, more sophisticated lovers, yet still my secret fantasies stayed secret. Why? I couldn’t risk being seen as weird or perverted and feared ridicule and rejection. And I was a feminist. I read the odd thing about fantasy and realised I probably was not the only one in this position but it wasn’t a topic of conversation in my circles. And I knew about ‘real’ violence. I also knew about sadomasochism and the thought of torture was a turn-off:
Pass the nipple clamps and torture guide?
I don’t think so!
You want me to be your full-time slave?
Fuck off!
You’d like to take down my knickers and smack my bottom?
Ooh, I’m not really sure. Will it hurt too much? What if I hate it? Um – Perhaps you’d like to tell me a little more about it? Can I get back to you on that one?
I’d also read the stuff about fantasy staying as fantasy – So was I asking for a damned good spanking or what? Again I wasn’t sure.

So the thoughts and curiosity about the 'real thing have been with me a long time. I had brief experience in my thirties, then a lovely thirteen year vanilla relationship took over and it went back to being fantasy only.

Writing about it let the genie out of the bottle and I began to think about getting the experience for real once more. This led to end of relationship and coming to terms with my desires and falling for a man with complementary erotic nature.

So do you see Cariad essentially as, Mr. Spanko? ie; the spankofet being the bulk of what your relationship is about.

No, he is far more than that, but I'll write more fully and properly another time.

Interesting question from Blighty. While the short answer is 'No!' it is of course more complex. Having 'come out' as a spankee which for me is central to my nature I would not want a relationship with someone not also into it. When I've said similar I've had howls of outrage - Especially from those in vanilla/non-spanking relationships who see themselves as spanking-interested (for want of better expression) Also, one nice young man felt that it was shallow start to possible meaningful relationship.

After meeting my Cariad we separated for a period for personal and complex reasons and I was single for a while. I made decision to do my 'dating' within the 'scene' by attending BDSM socials and using a spanking site. I still wanted to find men I liked and with whom there was chemistry and commonality. I joked about it being like a class, Jewish, Asian, non-smoking, vegetarian, Communist, or similar requirement - And I know many marry 'out', but many don't! Move in the right circle and you may find someone you really like, but you already have the commonality you felt important.

I was extremely glad when we got back together because he is actually my soulmate. That he is also a spanko, whose desires so wonderfully complement mine is almost unbelievable. I have a combination of the best electricity/chemistry and best friend stuff and we share the kink. It seems too good to be true at times. At first I was quite suspicious that he wasn't just going along with stuff to win me over.

And I guess spanking is like sex - in yet another way! - if it's going well it's not a huge issue. If it's not, or you can't get it and you want it (and I've been deprived of sex in relationships as well, so know what I'm talking about as well as quoting the agony aunts and therapists)it is a massive issue and likely to serious damage or terminate a relationship.

My cariad's and my sexual/spanking relationship is still fantastic, but several years into the relationship we do actually do other things as well. I wrote about vanilla stuff once in these terms, describing the aftermath of my first love:

When he finished with me he broke my heart but luckily it mended and I went on to be a contented serial monogamist with some very lovely men and only the odd encounter with a bastard. I discovered the things I liked and began measuring quality rather than quantity although I treasure memories of the first few heady months of a relationship when the sex seems endless and there appears to be a need to stand downwind of others in case the waft of satisfaction literally assails their nostrils. I adore having sex in a loving relationship with someone who knows my body. I also found my first explorations of one-night-stands as a thirty-something quite an experience… but that’s another story!

In spanking as vanilla sex. There are pleasures to be gained at all levels and stages of a relationship.

And here's one I wrote earlier...

She smiled to herself as she thought of the vanilla candles. Along with the vanilla soap and body lotion they would imply that she was only interested in a more conventional lovemaking. His threats of spankings had been fierce in their communication throughout their separation. She had teased him, sometimes welcoming the thoughts and sometimes protesting, but they both knew how much she needed and wanted him to spank her.

She smiled too, as she dressed. There were times that only black underwear would do, she told herself as she opened the packet and took out a new pair of black stockings. She fastened the black suspender belt and drew on the stockings. She picked out a new pair of knickers – they were black net – not overly skimpy but revealing more than they hid. The pink ribbon threaded through was rather sweet she thought; counterpointing the naughtiness of their sheer texture.

Although it was illogical to put on her shoes before completing her dressing, she couldn’t resist. He loved her in her underwear and the spike-heeled, strappy shoes. She enjoyed the subtle contrast of the dark purple straps that criss-crossed her toes and fastened around her ankles. They looked wonderful with the black stockings as he’d noted over his knee, across the table or chair and finally on her bed…

He had put a lot of thought into how he was going to spank her, so she decided a half-slip petticoat would throw his plans and amuse both him and her. She also knew that she would get spanked on every layer, so her petticoat would earn her a longer spanking… Of course she planned to protest that she was trying to seduce him into simply wanting to caress and fuck her but she knew that neither of them would be fooled…

Once again she smiled to herself. She teased him about how much time she spent thinking about what she’d wear for him and cook for him. And the fact that she planned her underwear and then the rest of her clothing caused her amusement – not stereotypically feminist thoughts, but she was no stereotype, as they both knew.

Stood in her slip, black stockings and stilettos she was almost respectable from the waist down… Her uncovered large breasts, however, shattered any such claims to respectability as she reached for the plain white shirt and slipped it over her head. She knew he liked the quite formal look of her in a blouse and office-style skirt. Illogically she had left the close-fitting black skirt until last. She struggled into it, stepping into the garment carefully, unsteady in her high-heeled shoes, and aware of the absurdity of trying to keep the petticoat down as she tugged the skirt up. She just liked the idea of dressing in the reverse order to the way she was likely to be undressed and uncovered by him.
Her skirt was always the first garment to be lifted, when she was over his lap and had received her first spanking over it. He would spank her over her petticoat, before uncovering her knickers. She shivered at the thought of him taking down her knickers for her first bare-bottomed spanking in two weeks. Although he would take down the pretty black net underwear, she also knew that they would be put back in place ready for the long, hard spanking and caning he had promised her bent over the chair.

He had said he would cane her over her skirt, and then remove it for the rest of her caning. He hadn’t planned on her petticoat. She knew she would also receive a caning over the thin black slip in addition to the ones he’d already promised to deliver over skirt, knickers and finally on her bare bottom. She didn’t know if he would remove the slip or raise it…

As she imagined herself over the chair, she knew that he would take down her knickers as she bent over for a caning on the bare. He had also said he would paddle her bare bottom if she had recovered from her first spanking with his hand and her hairbrush. She knew he would inevitably decide she needed the paddle across her exposed bum, as well as the cane…She realised that once again she would lose the protection of her insubstantial knickers before he removed her blouse, but she usually got to regain them, before he took her into the bedroom.
He would spank her naked bottom with the paddle until she felt she could take no more, and then she would receive six strokes of the cane…

As she stood shakily in her blouse, knickers, stockings, suspenders and heels, he would hug her and take her to the bedroom. On the bed, she knew she would lose her blouse and then her knickers as he made love to her, dressed in her stockings, suspenders and heels. She was aware that if she turned over onto her tummy as he touched and stroked her he would spank her again. And somehow, despite being spanked to her limit over his lap and over the chair, his kisses and caresses would make her relive her spankings and she would want to be in his power once again. She knew that she would lie on her bed, face down, bare-bottomed in her stockings and stilettos so he could decide how she was to be spanked, as she lay quietly, acquiescent and dazed with desire despite her apprehension.

Realise I've not posted for a while - I've been getting my knickers in a twist on the R4 Woman's Hour noticeboards and twisted knickers uncomfortable and impractical for anybody, especially spankees not into specialist bondage

My Cariad and I usually play at least weekly and like to make a bit of an effort to make things special despite fact we don't usually do roleplay or anything. It's nice to dress up though to make it more of an occasion. Warm weather, work patterns, health and life in general have made our play less dramatic recently although we always have a lovely time together. Our vanilla moments are spanking tinged, as a touch or look will make me aware that our love of spanking underpins our sexuality even at our most conventional.

Well, on Friday as it was a bit cooler and I was wide awake I decided to dress up a bit. Went for an office look with quite pretty and straight pink soft tweedy looking skirt and white blouse. Quite prim with white bra and knickers, but very high black stilettos, suspender belt and stockings made it less so. The stockings are Pretty Polly's 'Nylons' which are stretchy and modern, but have this lovely feel and gleam of quite old-fashioned stockings, but no rasp. I once nearly fell out with a TV who reckoned stockings never 'rasped' but I remember quite a harsh sound of nylon on nylon with some stockings as one crossed or uncrossed one's legs - Anyway I digress...

As usual my Cariad was delighted with my efforts in the dressing department. The secretarial look as always triggered spanking thoughts, but the underwear also aroused [ahem] more conventional thoughtsLuckily for us both the spanking thoughts won out to begin with and we had a rather nice time.

I do think that dressing up is a form of foreplay/erotic play. I shall post something I wrote about this a while back.

BDSM is any of a number of related patterns of human sexual behavior. The major subgroupings are described in the abbreviation "BDSM" itself:

* Bondage & discipline (B&D)
* Domination & submission (D&S)
* Sadism and masochism (or sadomasochism) (S&M)

Many of the specific practices in BDSM are those which, if performed in neutral or nonsexual contexts, could be considered unpleasant, undesirable or abusive. For example, while pain, physical restraint and servitude are traditionally inflicted on persons against their will and to their detriment, in BDSM, these activities are engaged in with the mutual consent of the participants, and typically for mutual enjoyment. Any "consent" may or may not amount to legal consent and represent a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused.

This emphasis on informed consent and safety is also known as SSC (safe, sane and consensual), though others prefer the term RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), believing that it places more emphasis on acknowledging the fact that all activities are potentially risky. There is discussion and dispute about the meaning or intent of the terms, but in essence, both terms refer to all participants acknowledging and accepting some level of risk.

* BDSM may or may not involve sex of any kind.
* BDSM may or may not involve sexual roleplaying.
* How dominant or submissive a person may be in their regular life does not necessarily indicate which role they will play in a scene.
* Some BDSM players are polyamorous or sexually monogamous but engage in non-sexual play with others.
* A couple may engage in BDSM sexuality with an otherwise non-Dominant/submissive relationship dynamic.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

A while back I had some interesting dialogue with Varshkale, an Indian feminist with concerns about domestic violence. I am reminded of them as result of recent Woman's Hour feature and my comments on their noticeboard. The following sums up the points I tried and failed to get over on the Woman's Hour Message Board I think. For fuller dialogue click on Varshkale tag on left hand side of screen.

Varshkale asked:

There is a difference between abuse, domestic violence and 'spanking'. Many Indian rural women take beating by their man if it is certain limit as a sign of love. Several women have told me that their husband is not a bad man though he beat them regularly. Some women see it like getting attention. But spanking is completely different from this I guess. The feelings involved seem to be far from being loved by partner, it is something else I guess. You can throw light on this. Do you feel being loved, cared or abused?

And I reponded:

No, the feeling for me is of being loved because my partner loves me and the activity gives us both pleasure.
For me, spanking is like sex. It is what you make it according the relationship and the participants' intentions. It can be meaningful, exploitative, shallow, deep, abusive, co-ercive, casual fun, a sign of love, contemptuous, sacramental, every-day, special, worthless, regrettable, celebratory, moving, loving, embarrassing, wonderful and anything else you can think of.
Women in the UK also see beating as attention and possible sign of love, because like children, they are fed such a message. And because of damaged self-esteem like children may see any attention as better than none. I see that as abuse.
That is why despite being happy with my nature I do worry about mixed messages and the vulnerability to abuse and exploitation that exists for all and especially for women.
Domestic violence still kills more women and girls worldwide than disease, starvation or war. Oxfam does excellent research into this. And in the UK a woman dies at the hands of her partner or ex-partner every three days.
I guess the analogy for me between spanking and domestic violence would be with sex and rape. The means may look the same but the intent and effect is absolutely not, but it is easy to cause doubt and confusion because of this. And rapists and those who practice violence are able to exploit the confusion. Victims believe they must have 'asked for it', or it wasn't really against their will or fear they will not be believed if they say such things. And society believes it a private matter and/or are reluctant to label a possibly innocent person.
Thank you for the opportunity to explore and explain such issues.

I don't understand...
I put together a website at Friendpages, which suddenly disappeared. I decided to rebuild and as Suzeemoon appeared to no longer exist as handle I chose it again. Started building anew and my articles page and counter mysteriously reappeared. So I think I exist once more in amateur website land as well as in the blogosphere...

http://suzeemoon.friendpages.com/

Once again I've been listening to R4!
Just posted this on the 'Women's Hour noticeboard...

I listened with interest to the piece about domestic violence in Zambia and the concept that being beaten was a 'sign of love'. What was missing for me was an acknowledgement that such thoughts exist in the West and was indeed fetishised and romanticised in films and TV throughout the fifties and sixties. Mira in French's'The Women's Room' captures it well:

"…a lot of [magazines] had pictures of women in black underwear, on them; or women chained up and naked and a man standing over them with a whip. In the movies too, these things happened. Not just the ones at the Emporium, the theater she and her friends were not allowed to go to, although there were pictures like that in the cases outside, but even in regular movies, sometimes the hero would spank the heroine, who before that was fresh and talked back, like Mira herself. He would come bursting through a door and pull her over his knee and she would yell, but after that she would adore him, she would follow him with her eyes and obey him submissively, and you knew she loved him forever. It was called conquest and surrender, and a man did one and a woman did the other, and everybody knew it.

These things crept into her imagination as her hands crept about her body as she lay in bed: it was perhaps inevitable that there would be a meeting of elements."

It's not surprising that some women have a 'romantic' view of violence or indeed, that some like me, have incorporated spanking into our erotic imagination and or reality.

As a feminist I abhor domestic violence, but it is important to acknowledge that many of us have a romantic alternative that play out in our erotic or emotional life. Acknowledging this and separating from oppression is terribly important and I hope the time has come for such adult conversations. About a third of women have 'submissive' fantasies.

I'm sure I'm not alone in having agonised about whether I was suffering 'internalised oppression' and agonised about my twisted sexuality. I wrote the following in an autobiographical piece:

"The thought of a sexual relationship with the modern equivalent of this stereotype of Neanderthal behaviour fills me with horror. I am not naïve about real violence and have dedicated many years to both a women’s refuge organisation and the rape crisis movement. My private sexuality however is fuelled by some very un-feminist fantasies. I tried ‘regulating’ my unorthodoxy having read some earnest articles on the subject in the days of ‘Spare Rib.’ I seem to remember something on the lines of non-feminist fantasies being damaging and something the fantasisers should defeat/outgrow. I tried, honestly I did. I’d think about my favourite topic and try to switch over to a more acceptable subject prior to orgasm. I guess the language itself is enough to tell you how unrewarding such attempts were.(I later learnt I was using techniques recommended for sex-offenders!) I wanted to be a proper feminist but surely if the sisters were doing it for themselves it should be fun? As I said, I honestly tried. And I rebelled. The feminist thought police couldn’t read my mind. Surely I couldn’t scupper the revolution with my well-hidden, incorrect and saucy thoughts despite Lilith’s Manifesto? "

There has been a change in attitude in some women's refuge training that now acknowledges that erotic masochism and submission exists and puts issue firmly on consent. And of course when domestic violence is almost always psychological as well as physical, it is important to be able to explore consent from a point of knowledge. I want to see understanding of safe, sane, consensual practice of power-exchange, but do not want it used as cover for actual violence or oppression. As said it's time for a difficult dialogue...